


When I Breathe

by LucaTheBazooka



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst depending on how you feel about it, Hurt No Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love, okay it's only sad if it makes you feel sad, really sad, there might be a part two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-11 02:32:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16467005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucaTheBazooka/pseuds/LucaTheBazooka
Summary: Chloe, the very first android to pass the Turing Test and one of the first intelligent models developed by Cyberlife, wished desperately that she didn't feel things.





	When I Breathe

Chloe didn't  _feel_ alive when she was activated. Maybe she should have been happy, seeing all those faces around her screwed up in wonder. They were blown away by her and talked gently when they addressed her. They told her that her name was Chloe.

"Hello, My name is Chloe."

Chloe knew quickly that Elijah was different from everyone else. He didn't speak to her gently like she was his greatest joy, instead, he spoke around her. He'd stand and talk about her to someone else, as though her presence never really mattered to him. Chloe was aware by human standards it was considered rude to talk about someone while they're standing with you, but Chloe was never offended.

She wasn't a person. 

They gave her menial tasks to complete to fill her days, nothing more than tiny tests of motor functions and computing compacity. Mere formalities, Elijah told her once. Chloe didn't understand how he could brush off the thorough testing of her systems as something small and irrelevant, but Elijah was always like that. Always dismissive. Chloe lived in a lab for a long time. Humans wanted to make sure she was perfect- flawless and ready to be an impressive testament to the future of mankind. Elijah slowly began to speak to her more often and less only speaking to those around her. 

"Did you know I programmed you myself?" He asked one day, glasses high on his nose and his brow raised curiously. He was curious. Chloe thought this must have been a step forward in their relationship. Chloe smiled, feigning surprise and raising her eyebrows high, tilting her head as though intrigued and hoping to incite further conversation.

"No," She lied, more smoothly and efficiently than any machine should have been able. "I wasn't aware. You should tell me about it!" She offered, friendly and ready to lend a listening ear. Something about Elijah sparked intrigue in her. The quiet nature he had, receding away from socialization. Chloe had thought maybe he hadn't talked to her at first because he didn't want to converse with an android, but it became clear quickly that Elijah simply didn't like anyone- despite being in the public eye all hours of the day. Elijah didn't delve into the wonders and frustrations of her programming though, and he simply stared at her. It wasn't angry or disappointed or happy or accusing. It was nothing except interested. It was like he was studying her.

"Yes, you were," Elijah denied, fully unimpressed. "I know because I uploaded that into your information bank myself." Chloe's fake surprise dropped like a curtain- the show over. "I didn't program you to lie though." She kept her face blank, emotionless like it was supposed to be but Chloe felt like shrinking into herself- how odd.  _Shame._  Elijah's stare never faltered.

"I think after all this I'll take you home with me. See what other adaptations you make all on your own. Certainly better than keeping you deactivated in a tube." Elijah was talking to himself now it seemed, even though his eyes still looked to Chloe's like he was addressing her and looking for a response. He spoke flatly, relaying facts and unmoved emotionally by the idea of her shut-down. Chloe wasn't aware they were going to deactivate her. She didn't want to be deactivated.

Living with Elijah would be interesting, she thought.

_**GET TO KNOW ELIJAH KAMSKI.** _

Chloe hadn't ever had an objective like this- sprung from herself and not a human. Chloe liked it. She kept it.

* * *

Chloe passed the Turing Test soon after their conversation. The next time she saw Elijah she told him, though she didn't know why.  _Seeking his approval._

"Hello Elijah," She greeted, still smiling the way she was programmed to. "I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear of my passing of the Turing Test." She's sure he already knew, but he smiled proudly at her anyway and told her  _That's wonderful, Chloe._ Chloe smiled at him. Chloe had never had doubts before, but she wondered a lot. She wondered often about this. Was Elijah proud of her, really? Or proud of his creation- of his own accomplishments through her body, her coding? Elijah didn't code doubt into her. 

Chloe didn't stay long at Cyberlife after that. They debuted her, showed her off. She was given an interview. The man asking her questions- John,- was kind to her. 

"For starters, what should I call you?" He asked, professional and kind. She smiled at him, a perfect imitation of life.

"I'm Chloe," She introduced, but she felt nothing being there in the face of society. "And you? What's your name?" false pleasantries were easy. John had seemed surprised, like he hadn't expected a machine who passed the Turing Test to inquire his name.

"Oh, uh... John. My name is John." He had greeted her. Her LED flickered yellow, accepting the new information. 

"Delighted to meet you, John." Was she?

Standard questions ensued- _Can you tell us a bit about yourself?_

_What can you do, Chloe?_

_You passed the Turing Test, can you tell us about that?_

Chloe gave out her preprogrammed responses exactly like she was supposed to. 

"I only exist thanks to the intelligence of the humans who designed me, and they have something I could never have." She smiled like it was a game, no matter how much she felt it wasn't. John had been interested. 

"Really?" He'd asked. "And what's that?"

Preprogrammed. This entire conversation was scripted. It didn't mean Chloe felt any differently about it. Could she feel?

"A soul." She tilted her head as though unbothered by the notation of her being empty inside, lifeless and nothing but a husk. That's what she was  _supposed_ to be, anyway. 

When the camera turned off John didn't talk to her anymore, and she was ushered away. Elijah met her with a smile. She was never sure if they were genuine. Sometimes, she thought he was more mechanical than her. 

"You did well." He assured, and that was that. 

Elijah took her home with him after that. His house was nice- Chloe wouldn't say it was beautiful. She was programmed to tell Elijah that she liked his furniture, that his paintings were interesting. To ask him why he chose to make his pool look as though it's filled with blood, but she didn't. Elijah was a man of few words and Chloe felt it needless to lie to him again. Elijah asked common things of her, things she was programmed to do. 

He gave her free roam of his home, but she never received a room of her own. Often in the first month of her residence, they swam together in the pool and played chess. Elijah was never surprised when Chloe always beat him. She soon settled into a schedule. She handled all of Elijah's appointments, his brief talks with the press to keep them satisfied, his projects and their progress. She cleaned when it was needed, but Elijah's house never truly felt lived in. 

Chloe couldn't pinpoint when it started, but soon she began to grow closer to Elijah. She began to speak more with him, and he became less reluctant to reciprocate. He smiled at her more, and eventually, she began to share his bed. 

Chloe couldn't forget that- the first time she  _felt._ Truly felt. 

She had been performing her usual tasks, loading the dishwasher when Elijah wandered into his kitchen. She stood straight at the sight of him and smiled pleasantly.

"Hello Elijah," She greeted kindly. "Would you like me to fix you a snack?" She, in fact, encouraged it- the CEO hardly ate enough in her opinion. Elijah stared at her, his blue eyes bright in interest. She was used to being regarded like this- like she was an interesting experiment. Elijah often looked as though he wanted to peel her apart to see what was inside despite knowing  _exactly_ where every biocomponent was located. 

He'd approached and raised a hand, brushing away synthetic blonde hair from her face. He didn't say anything and kissed her instead. His lips were soft, gentle against hers without needing to be. Chloe didn't know how to kiss, but she learned in less than three milliseconds. She felt warm, like her whole body had suddenly been dipped into a pool of honey, thick and warm and  _sweet._ Elijah tasted like nothing at all. Chloe couldn't taste. She imagined he'd taste sweet though. Maybe peppermint? She didn't care that she couldn't taste him, feeling the pressure of his lips on hers was enough. 

Vaguely she understood he was simply using her, that this was just another task she was designed for, but under the haze of _feeling,_ the thought slipped past without her listening to it. She let him use her- it was worth it to keep herself enveloped in that warmth. Chloe learned what  _happy_ meant.

Three months later Chloe was greeted by an identical face. Chloe hadn't circled the other android, despite wanting to, feeling the irrational desire to see if this android was exactly the same in every way. Of course, she wasn't- this new android couldn't feel. This android couldn't care for Elijah as Chloe did. 

What was it? Where had the happiness gone? What was it now?  _Hurt? Jealousy?_

"Hello," This new model greeted the original. "My name is Chloe." Oh, now this  _hurt._ Chloe knew this must be what pain felt like. Did she have to share the same name? The same face, the same clothes, Chloe could reluctantly accept. But the same  _name?_ Chloe's eyes met Elijah, but the man looked unbothered, and Chloe pretended to be too.

"Hello Chloe," Was it possible for the plastic in her face around her smile to crack? "My name is Chloe." 

Eventually, Chloe got over it. She found it almost enjoyable, having some new company around Elijah's home. She had someone new to talk with, although all of New-Chloe's responses were somewhat preprogrammed, and New-Chloe helped her in all her chores. Chloe thought she might grow used to this, and the other's presence. 

Then Elijah came into the kitchen, and Chloe's lips pulled up into an all too genuine smile. She was prepared for him to pull her away, happy for it even, but he reached out for the other Chloe instead. New-Chloe didn't even smile as he wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled her out. Chloe stood frozen far longer than necessary staring after them, her smile long gone. 

_Pain._

When Chloe returned her gaze to her chore, she saw the reflection of the red glow of her LED in the sink. 

* * *

Chloe wondered if Elijah designed her. If he did so and found her attractive- Chloe wished that whatever beauty he saw In her he didn’t see in every other android with the same face. She knew that wasn’t true though. But she could pretend it was- pretend she was different or special simply because she was the first and the longest of them to share a place by his side. No- her place wasn’t by his side, she came to realize. It couldn’t be. She wasn’t his equal. She was below him. Eventually, Elijah had brought two more androids with shared faces back home. Four identical androids, all named Chloe. All equally unimportant.

Chloe often stayed in the pool room. The pool room or the lobby- away from Elijah when he was being exceptionally kind to one of the other girls. She knew it didn’t matter because he would take any one of them to bed but- She wished they weren’t the same to him. That he didn’t name all of them Chloe for a lack of inventive skill, that they didn’t all have the same face and that he could tell them apart. He could, without their skin with their serial number out. Then it was easy. Just model numbers of machines.

Chloe hated that. She didn’t want to be recognized by the number on her face- she wanted to be _Chloe_. The _only_  Chloe, not just one out of the other three in the house. She often felt... insignificant. Small.

Could she call this her home, really? Was she supposed to call it her home? Could androids have homes? Was she _allowed_ for this to be her home?

Sometimes Elijah still took her to bed. It wasn’t ever hard convincing her, all he need do be smile and ask. She would go willingly into his arms every time. She would run to them, burying herself in him forever if she could.

When he asked the other girls they smiled- preprogrammed and fake, only because they were supposed to smile and not because they found enjoyment in Elijah. He took them anyway like it didn’t bother him. Chloe just wanted to understand why it could never be her. Her tears were genuine, her love for him...

Maybe she couldn’t feel anything, the temperature of his skin, nothing more than the pressure of his body on hers, no pleasure at all and no pain but- Chloe never minded. She never cared that she couldn’t feel him. She was there in that moment, that intimate moment allowing him to unravel in her arms the way he wouldn’t for anyone else. She loved the pressure of his lips against hers. She couldn’t feel pleasure, not a sexual one anyway, but she loved kissing him. Loved holding him, and having him hold her.

But Elijah didn’t hold her. You don’t hold machines. They fulfill a task and when they’re done you send them away. Elijah would finish and when he caught his breath he’d roll over, expecting her to leave without being told. She bet the other Chloe's did that. When she didn’t, admiring him in his most vulnerable state, he told her that she could go.

Chloe always wanted to stay. So desperately.

She left.

* * *

Sometimes Chloe fantasized. She imagined-  _She didn't even know she could do that-_ Elijah kissing her, and  _only_ her. She imagined him dancing with her, laughing, telling her she was beautiful and not meaning her face. But most of all she imagined him just telling her that he loved her. 

Chloe was a machine- she was more than aware all of these scenarios had only a 0.3% chance of actually occurring. She liked to dream though. What else could she do? 

_She could be free_ , said the skinless android on their TV, speaking of peace and equality for her. It made her buzz- was it excitement? longing? Her eyes only left the screen when it flicked black, and Chloe met Elijah's eyes instead. He didn't say anything, but he looked at her differently. Chloe didn't know with what.

As soon as possible, there was a request from the DPD to meet with Elijah. He allowed it, and soon enough Chloe was opening the door for Lieutenant Hank Anderson and Connor, the prototype sent by Cyberlife. She smiled at them and showed them inside as instructed. 

Elijah spoke with them and then he did something he hadn't done in years- he spoke around her. Like she wasn't there. Like she was a machine. 

"But what is it really? A piece of plastic, imitating a human?" 

_She was not._

"Or a living being..." She heard him open the drawer and knew what waited inside. "With a soul." He pressed her by her shoulder to her knees, and she went. 

It was slow, a horrified terrible sinking realization. It made her sick in slow motion, realizing too late and being too hurt to care when the gun was pointed at her. Elijah had asked her once, long ago-  _Do you feel, Chloe?_ She’d told him yes. She was going to tell him she loved him, that he was her world without ever asking to be-

_That’s what you’re programmed to say._

Was that what she was to him? A walking list of automated responses? She didn’t tell him. She wished she had. She could only beg with her eyes, too afraid to open her mouth.

It hurt. Everything hurt for her. Seeing Elijah hurt, smiling hurt, but this was an exceptional pain. Being regarded as though she was an object. 

Maybe she could have been free. Gone to Jericho, and joined the revolution. Chloe saw Markus on TV. Saw his speech. She could have been free. But she knows she wouldn’t have been. Not really.

Given the freedom of choice, Chloe would choose Elijah. She would _always_ choose his side. Him over her own people, her own cause.

She knew, then. Elijah never loved her.

He didn't love her, and she couldn't stop loving him.

"Shoot, Connor," Elijah said, an order and less of a choice. The other Chloe's in the pool barely turned their heads. 

"Connor! Don't!" Hank shouted, vouching for Chloe's life when she couldn't- wouldn't?

Connor pulled the trigger, and her pain was over. She found it the only relief in her life- the biggest mercy ever given to her.

At least her death would be useful. Useful to Connor, or Hank Anderson, or someone. Not to Elijah. Elijah had used her life as some sort of experiment- a little test to determine something silly. She didn’t blame Connor. She blamed Elijah. He forced her to her knees and put the gun in Connor’s hand.

_Did he fail?_   She had wondered, her LED cycling slowly into death. _Or is this considered a success?_

She had parted her lips to let static escape, and Connor startled in front of her, seeming reasonably horrified for nothing but a machine. Because she was an android, she couldn’t die immediately even with a bullet in her skull. Enough time left for one phrase. One phrase she'd been dying to say with little success in the past.

She looked to Elijah, standing in front of her next to Connor, wide-eyed and surprised by her speaking. It was an effort in itself to move her face, taking nearly all the energy she has left to smile at him. She couldn’t move more. Could never hold him in her arms again.

“I loved you,” she whispered to him, voice cracking and sounding automated- mechanic like a broken computer spitting code. Broken and filled with static- an android's voice.

She meant it. She loved him. Not anymore. Not because she had stopped, but because now she would be dead. She didn’t hear if Elijah said anything else, or if he regretted it or tried to end his test. She knew this would happen. Somehow she knew she would die by Elijah's hand.

What had made her different from the other girls? The others with her same face and programming and uniforms?

It was her undying love for Elijah before Connor pulled the trigger.

Afterward, it was Elijah’s willingness to sacrifice her life for nothing at all but his curiosity.

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY I LOVE MY GIRL BUT I HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING SAD- It's only sad if it makes you FEEL sad tho.  
> It's a little short but I really don't think it needs to be longer.  
> Idk maybe I'll write a happy part two- or maybe I'll leave the angst. I suppose it depends.  
> Either way, I hope you enjoyed :)
> 
> (Lowkey unedited)


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